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Sunday, September 15

You, darling.

I figure that you won't read here anymore.
Though you used to do so to hear my inner voice, always trying to understand
me better. And ashamed, to even come to realise and understand that incident.
Though that's all past now, the hurt's current..
I don't know how long I have been trying to "ignore"
or "evade" that feeling of pain and regret, but what I
know today is that I've regretted so so deeply.
And for the first time in my life, I taste regret so vividly.
Though all these does not matter now, because I know I've
brought us to a path of no return, I really would love
to redo this whole thing again and give a more go now instead of
just a "can we try?". I know you have always gave me your best.
And I have also always thought I am never good enough for you.
I guess today this is still my reason for not daring to pursue this now.
But nevertheless, I really wanna apologise sincerely, that I never
wanted all these to happen, never wanted things to end up like that.
Though apology really don't change things.
And like you always say.. "What are words?"



Till now, everyday, I am still living in delusion of what I really want.
What I can only tangibly feel is that things have changed, and
I am so unhappy with it. I don't know what it is, and this
frustration furthers this unhappiness.



When I recall things or when I try to recall things,
I just felt the exploding anger towards myself.
And this sense of frustration, regret, and loss altogether
really drives me to the verge of self-infliction, many if
not all the times when I'm alone.
And when you were my only one. When you were
whom I looked for.
Now I turn to nothing and I can expect nothing.
They say the worst feeling on earth is "helplessness".
I feel this everytime I recall things.
Which is all the time, because of the abundance of memory.



I still shamelessly hope and wish for the slightest possibility
everytime. Although I know what's torn is really hard to mend.
I just don't know what will I be like without you.
I don't dare to imagine. And is this too deceitful to have
the slightest hope in belief? I really don't know. I can only pray.

Nevertheless, I know this is not all for nothing though.
Because I found somebody in life who truly loved me.
And I am so thankful for that.
I'm so sorry for all the hurt but really I can find no means
to just give it up entirely. Maybe im a coward, but you matter so much.

It will hurt. It will hurt because it matters.
You matter too much.